I’ll tell you, I have been in a faith funk for this year. Since becoming a mother, I have been seeking God more and more. I am newer to understanding faith and God. In reflection of this year, I realized I have been trying to learn about God’s rules. I have been trying to line up my life, my mothering, my wife-ing, my teaching with God’s rules, with perfection…forgetting to line them up with His LOVE! In this, it seems every time, I’ve try to reach out to God, outside of my own personal relationship with Him, I have felt like a failure.
I say outside my personal relationship with Him, because I feel the most loved and connected with God when I pray out to Him from any place, like my car or the nursery or my shower. In these moments, I feel SO LOVED by God; it just feels like I can just BE with Him. It is harder to hear Him when I am around others.
For one thing, I have been trying to attend church every Sunday, but that is easier said than done. It seems my young kids get sick often, it’s been hard to find a church, and so often times it feels like pulling teeth to get everyone there. I am not trying to make excuses, just describing my current season. I do the best I can attending, but it has never felt like enough. I actually prefer the days when I can just sit with my family and open the bible and talk about how much God loves us….but even those Sunday mornings, I get haunted with the thoughts I am displeasing God and disappointing others.
For 2018, when these thoughts come, I will remember that I am trying, God knows my heart, and my big picture goal is to reach out to God and learn about and spread His love, not to please a church or people or to be a certain image (a perfect Christian woman, wife, mom). For if I feel unworthy of God’s love for not Do-DO-Do-ing everything perfectly and consistently, then what does that mean about God’s love, especially to others who are really struggling to find God? Instead, if I remember that God loves me just as I am, even on bad days, no matter my season…that reflects His unshakeable love, which is what I need and is what everyone needs, especially as a mom.
I am not sure I will ever be aligning every part of my life perfectly with what God tells us in the bible, so does that mean that my whole life I will never be good enough for God’s love?
To the enemy, I want to yell “God does love me!” even if I can’t align my actions and my tasks perfectly with the church or with the bible. Will I always mother perfectly? Nope. Will I always be the perfect wife and say the right thing to my husband? Nope. Will I be the best church attendee, server? Nope.
Here and now, I put my foot down to the enemy and say I am not here to please Earthly expectations, I am here to live out my purpose in God’s name. If that means I am a woman who makes mistakes all the time, then so be it. One thing I know, is I will always seek God in everything I do.
In my faith journey in knowing God, He has shown me I will spread more of His love to others by believing in my heart how much He loves me from where I am, in my imperfection; rather than trying to be perfect to be enough for His love.
It’s okay for me to lose my way. It doesn’t mean God’s love it lost for me, it means I just have to have the courage to reach out again. Yes the paths will be filled with unstable obstacles, hills, and tears, but what will always be stable on my path is God’s unconditional love for me. The more I believe this, the more I can find my way back when I get lost, and guide my husband or children, or loved ones back to Him when they get lost.
Let us let go of the lie that we are not good enough!
The more I grow in God’s love, the more I am freed from these negative thoughts…the more room I have for Love in my heart from God for myself and to spread to others, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, strangers…even when they are not spreading love to me.
I have realized that in learning about Jesus’ love and God giving His only son for us, that we are loved already.
There is nobody left to please.
There is no perfect day.
There is no perfectly cleaned house or perfectly cooked meal.
There is no perfect marriage.
There is no task needed to be completed perfectly.
There is no perfect way to say something.
None of this earns Jesus’ love, or entrance into Heaven.
All we have to do is know Jesus. He loves us, He believes in us. He is forever present for us.
Our work is done, trying to our prove ourselves, Jesus already did that work for us.
This is a free-ing thought!
All we have to do is believe in His love for us, which means we believe we are loved and can therefore love ourselves, our loved ones, and even our enemies.
So my New Year’s Resolution: Live freely without the prison of perfection! Love my imperfectly beautiful self, see the good God put in me and hold God’s hand in love and trust the whole way through.
So in 2018 and forever more, let’s live freely mommas, freed from perfection! You are already perfectly loved by God, that’s all you need.